I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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