i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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