Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
