No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
