I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
