So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
