I think I died a long time ago.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
