Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
