All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
