I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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