well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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