in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
