If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
