Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize