i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
