hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
