i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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