Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
