just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
