Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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