so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
