I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
