I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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