just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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