I am spending my child support on dildos
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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