you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
