I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
