just survived the first fart of the relationship.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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