All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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