not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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