just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
