u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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