sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
