Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
