If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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