I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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