I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
