I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
