You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.