She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners