my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.