i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What should our trivia night team be named?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
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She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across