Texts From Last Night

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  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
  Replies (70) Good night (39901) Bad night (1722)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box

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  (215): You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box http://tfl.nu/kcqr
  Replies (5) Good night (4204) Bad night (687)
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in

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  (514): Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in http://tfl.nu/gix0
  Replies (30) Good night (11630) Bad night (762)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  are you going to last longer than 15 seconds

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  nope

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  (913): are you going to last longer than 15 seconds (1-913): nope http://tfl.nu/rdaj
  Replies (34) Good night (1282) Bad night (6317)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever

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  (850): By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever http://tfl.nu/n0rq
  Replies (56) Good night (12501) Bad night (1072)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"

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  (908): you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind" http://tfl.nu/r0zl
  Replies (4) Good night (2665) Bad night (756)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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  (720): He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples." http://tfl.nu/rub1
  Replies (8) Good night (4585) Bad night (920)
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.

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  (972): Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter. http://tfl.nu/4cll
  Replies (4) Good night (1740) Bad night (823)
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  (936): View more from Texas

  To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

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  (936): To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex. http://tfl.nu/0t9p
  Replies (24) Good night (5141) Bad night (928)
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  (310): View more from California

  I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis

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  (310): I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis http://tfl.nu/97wg
  Replies (22) Good night (2002) Bad night (719)
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  (845): View more from New York

  Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.

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  (845): Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night. http://tfl.nu/5oq8
  Replies (17) Good night (1316) Bad night (1135)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.

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  (609): When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome. http://tfl.nu/ourm
  Replies (1) Good night (829) Bad night (314)
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed

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  (778): i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed http://tfl.nu/9oqv
  Replies (2) Good night (464) Bad night (407)
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  By piano you mean.....

  (719): View more from Colorado

  Like literally a piano.

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.

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  (719): My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked. (505): By piano you mean..... (719): Like literally a piano. (505): Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing. http://tfl.nu/b7lv
  Replies (5) Good night (840) Bad night (286)
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!

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  (718): I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID! http://tfl.nu/uzuv
  Replies (2) Good night (288) Bad night (562)

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