lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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