i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
