it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
