your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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