That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
