Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
