I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
