I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
