I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
