Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
