STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
no, he came in my armpit
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
