I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
