she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
