Betty ford says i'm here all night
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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