I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
