there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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