No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
