mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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