they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
