is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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